Brace Yourself For The Life-Altering News of This Power Word
. . . you already know this courage word . . .
(For the video and audio recording of this Courage Words Blog, scroll down to the end.)
Sometimes, I get the same message over and over from the world. Does that ever happen to you? It comes from all sides--my work with individuals (both as a therapist and as a creative coach) with small groups, the news, street signs, my own blunders and blind spots. (Feel free to comment and let me know that I'm not alone; I'm very curious about how we learn to 'listen' to what the world tells us.)
The message I've been receiving lately is a POWER WORD. A courage word, of course. You already know it, so I'll cut right to the chase. Are you ready for this potentially life-altering news?
Drum roll . . . It’s arguably the hardest word to say in any language . . . especially to pronounce it with conviction, without guilt. Here it comes
. . . NO !
(An opera singer raises a gorgeous contralto here. Perhaps Nina Simone. Nooooooooo! Or Annie Lennox. Or maybe a she-wolf . . .)
Sometimes, we look back at something we did, or was done to us, yet not an overt harm--more something we allowed, or agreed to, or perhaps we look back over our whole long history of Yes . . . And here we are, these five hours, years, decades later, saying What was I THINKING?
Well. Here's the thing. Usually, we're NOT thinking on a conscious level when we 'allow' the boundary crossings or violations that result from too much "Yes." A lot of my work involves helping people learn how to use the word No, or its close relative, Stop.
(Every writer, every artist out there . . . you know what I'm talking about, especially when it comes to your precious time.)
Once my client knows how to say those words, I help her to enact them in life and relationship. We may do all kinds of dynamic things to bring the action of these words into the Brain-Body-Spirit . . .
Remember the graceful abhaya mudra? It's the no-fear mudra so common in Buddhist and Hindu sacred imagery, a holy being with one hand raised, a bit like a celestial traffic cop. I've written about it here in Courage Words before, and even described the gesture in a suspenseful scene in The Lizard Cage, a novel of Myanmar: the brave Teza in prison and Little Brother, his friend, and the lizards, friends to both of them . . .
Buddha in the Thai & Burmese Theravada tradition. Abhaya posture. No fear.
If you are so inclined, try it right now. Think of a time when you really wished you had said NO.
Here is the life-altering news! It's not too late. Go back in time, remember . . .
Now, raise your hand, and say No.
Try it again, bringing agency into your voice. Feel the power from your belly, in your chest, throat, jaw . . . For a further challenge, you can step in front of a mirror. Pronounce "No!" with the hand raised.
The hand raised stirs up as much anxiety as the word itself. Such is the ancient wisdom (as I've come to understand it) of this mudra. Abhaya--no fear.
What do we fear the most?
We fear setting the boundary.
It's the raised hand, the boundary itself, that stirs us up physically. The medicine of the mudra is to practice being the boundary. For the sighted, these are powerful, life-long neural pathways: brain-to-hand-to-eye-to-brain again, a cascade of billions of synaptic, electrical, chemical energy. These connections are a fundamental part of our human-ness.
Allow the brain-body-spirit to experience both the fear and the embodiment of the boundary itself.
That is power. Along with uttering the word.
No. Stop.
Then switch hands. See if it feels the same or different with the right or the left hand raised. Notice the difference: it may be very pronounced, or more subtly changed. Moving back and forth helps the responses to even out between the left and right hemispheres of the brain and different areas of the body. That's integration.
Isn't it cool?
The tendency to say, Yes, or to be unable to say No, is often a habit and expectation built-in to relationship itself from our beginnings. It's worked into the neural pathways that grew with us from infancy onward.
Often we slowly become aware that we play this role in many different ways with different people, groups and organizations.
It's a common pattern of behaviour for those who grew up in families where they were parentified--turned into caregivers (or wise mature children) in one form or another. Sometimes No really challenges those who had a severe work-ethic hoisted upon them from childhood. And for those who had their empathy co-opted by parents or siblings, so it became difficult, even impossible, to experience deep lasting empathy for the self.
To have empathy for the self, we must be able to say Yes --- to our needs and desires. We also need to learn how to say No to our own self-harming or destructive behaviours.
Try writing about this. Free associate, wander around--bullet point it. Doodles. Each word, written down in felt or crayon--that's also a form of integration.
What is your relationship to the word and the physical action (hand raised) No?
Now . . . how about . . . Yes?
Yes! That's another power word, to be sure . . .
Bon Courage,
Karen
P.S. If you are ready to say YES to your creativity, writing practice and sense of adventure, The Olive Grove Retreat for Writers in the grove on Sappho's island. It's not too late . . . (And there's always next year, too, inshallah.) More details on the Olive Grove Retreat tab above.
This video features the Courage Words Blog, the text above, spoken aloud by me, Kaz; I demonstrate the abhaya posture of No Fear and also introduce you to one of my Beloved and Honoured Buddha images.